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 The Queso Dip!: Issue #1

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Aaron

Aaron

Posts : 93
Join date : 2018-07-10
Age : 20

The Queso Dip!: Issue #1 Empty
PostSubject: The Queso Dip!: Issue #1   The Queso Dip!: Issue #1 I_icon_minitime3/2/2019, 5:03 pm

Ladies and gentleboys, welcome to the very first issue of what is soon to be OWA’s biggest hit: THE QUESO DIP!

You may be asking yourself, “what is the Queso Dip?” Answering that question is the first thing I very professionally scribbled into the palm of my hand and so it’s the first thing I’m going to do!

Imagine you’ve got yourself some nice, scrumptious tortilla chips. That is the backstage ongoings of OWA. Now imagine that I, Cazar Queso, the world’s greatest professional wrestler, TV presenter and reporter, as the creamy and delicious cheese sauce that you sink those tortilla chips into to add some flavor. That is what I do! I add flavor to the stories behind the scenes and bring them all to you, my good friends, as a gift! So, without further ado… let us get right into our first issue!

THE CAGE SIBLINGS: TIES TO HOLLYWOOD?!
It quickly came to my attention that OWA’s Nate and Natalie Cage share their surname with a particularly renowned actor going by the name of Nicolas Cage. Being the great reporter that I am I did the first thing anyone who’s spent time in the business would do: I went to their Wikipedia profiles. While they are listed as siblings to each other, of course, there was no mention of any Nicolas. I was almost stumped… but just as I had given up hope a lightbulb flashed above my head and I realized the next step! So I checked Nicolas Cage’s Wikipedia page and I found some pretty disheartening evidence. Cage is not the true last name of the famous actor who played Benjamin Gates in my all time favorite movie, National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Nicolas Cage’s real name is Nicolas Kim Coppola. Now, blood tests may be needed to confirm whether or not Nicolas is truly related to the OWA siblings and we will surely be able to gather enough from both of them when Divine Retribution comes around. However, Nicolas Cage will be a more difficult task. I tried reaching out to his agent but unfortunately they were not currently taking any calls. Nate Cage and Natalie Cage have also refused to comment. My last hope right now is that I get my good friend Dark Demon to do me a favor and help me kidnap Mr. Cage so that we can perform one of his sacred bloodletting rituals and gain the knowledge that we need. Rest assured that Cazar Queso will not rest until the mystery has been solved!

IS KEELAN CALLIHAN LYING ABOUT HIS HEIGHT?
Cazar Queso can report that Keelan Callihan is not in fact six feet tall! Using my expert sleuthing skills I was able to measure “The Killer” myself while he was sleeping in his home in the Gold Coast and can confirm EXCLUSIVELY to all of you that Keelan is a mediocre five feet and eleven inches! That’s some grade A cuck material right there. No woman is interested in anyone below a six (or a 6.5 if your name is Aria Jaxon). Keelan Callihan has yet to comment on the controversial news. Keelan, in case you were unaware that was me calling your mobile at 3am two days ago. The people want answers and I’m doing my best to get them from you. Please, call me back.

BIG OASIS BRAND A DRUG FRONT?!
Yes! Scott Oasis’ “Big Oasis Brand” has been under suspicion from the police of being a steroid rig for some time now. In a recent finding that I definitely did not steal from the local police department I can confirm that BOB has been selling several types of steroid to OWA performers. Names include Bull Connors, Nolan Eliwood and Azumi Goto. This certainly explains the lack of testicles on the part of Oasis as he still has yet to face Matt Miles man to man while still calling himself the last AWF Hardcore Champion. He knows who would win there and so does this Japanese sensation. We’ll have more information as it comes.

HEAT ON JEFF X FOR EXCESSIVE USE OF BABY OIL
That heat is from me. Chill the fuck out, Jeff. Only Cazar Queso gets to look this good.

I can also confirm several other smaller pieces in which we don’t have enough details to fully flesh out. We can confirm that:

-CARLOS ROSSO STILL USES A CRT, DOESN’T KNOW WHAT AN IPHONE IS
-CHRISTOPHER SABRETOOTH DOES NOT, IN FACT, HAVE SABERTEETH
-IS CAZAR QUESO THE BEST PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER TO EVER LIVE? THE SHORT ANSWER: YES

If any of you readers out there hear any news coming from the world of OWA then be sure to let me know!

You can email me at: hsmeltzer@juno.com
Or alternately give me call at: 1-800-273-8255

Cazar Queso is not responsible for any kidnappings, dismemberments or otherwise bodily harm and is completely exempt from any and all legal action a victim of such occurrences would wish to take. Cazar Queso has not taken part in any dealings of Big Oasis Brand steroids and will not comment any further on the matter due to his Non-Disclosure Agreement with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Real men eat ass.
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Keelan Callihan

Keelan Callihan

Posts : 402
Join date : 2018-03-25
Age : 22
Location : Australia

The Queso Dip!: Issue #1 Empty
PostSubject: Re: The Queso Dip!: Issue #1   The Queso Dip!: Issue #1 I_icon_minitime3/2/2019, 5:39 pm



My reaction to this.

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The Queso Dip!: Issue #1 Callihan
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